mmmmm....beer

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" Ben Franklin

You can't argue with Ben Franklin. That would just be damn un-American. But people can and do argue about WHICH beer. So I think I'll go ahead and throw in my two cents on the subject
Everybody has their favorite beer. I'm making a list of the best and worst IMHO...feel free to disagree with it
NOTE: I promise to avoid beer snob douchbaggery... you know using words like "hoppy" "malty" "mouthfeel" or "finish". This is beer. If you want that crap go to a wine tasting

1: Yuengling is my personal fav. Unfortunately it's only available in certain states on the eastern seaboard, so many of you will never get the chance to savor this pinnacle of the brewer's art, this symphony of hops barley and water, this thing of beauty that makes men weep. If there is beer in Heaven, it will be Yuengling ( ummmm.... I like Yuengling)

Yuengling Started in Pennsylvania,and is the oldest brewery in the US.( they survived prohibition by making non-alcoholic beer and ice cream of all things) If you go into an eastern pa bar and ask for a lager, this is what you'll get. It has a lot more flavor than the usual pilsner piss you get in the states and not quite as pretentious as that other lager that shall remain nameless (for now)

"Beer Drinking Instructor Shirt"

2:Rolling Rock is a pale lager, also originally from PA. I generally prefer darker beers but when I want something lighter this is my choice. This beer just tastes like summer. It reminds me of backyard barbeques and tubing down the river. And unlike Yuengling you can get it almost everywhere

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3: Guinness is kind of an acquired taste,so I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with this one. It's not surpising given the American taste for watered down beers. Give it an honest try though and you might be surprised 

                                         

4: Bitburger is a German beer that's only available in limited markets in the states. I included it here in hopes that someone from one of the major breweries would see this and go drink one. Maybe if they see what a good pilsner tastes like they will start making one and we can stop being the laughingstock of the beer world

                                     

                                              

5: I'm not a big fan of the microbrew.. more on that farther down.. but i love Arrogant Bastard Ale

be warned... this beer will smack you in the mouth, kick you in the balls and take your lunch money. Plus the bottle actually made me laugh.

                                       

So that's my top five. Obviously I don't limit myself to those five, and there are several great beers I'm leaving off this list. No offense to those brews, I just want to keep the list short enough to be readable 

Now on to the bottom five. In no particular order,these are the beers that should be avoided...

1: What I've heard is that Keystone and Keystone light is the brand under which Coors sells beer that doesn't meet their quality standards. IDK if that's true or not. I do know that it looks like piss and tastes like water. It's only suitable for frat parties and beer pong

Do you honestly want to buy beer from this guy?

2: Sam Adams Boston Lager is the "other lager" I referenced above. Honestly, it's not a bad beer. It made my bottom five because it's so very overrated. It's just not worth the extra price. 

                     

3: Budweiser is probably one of the best known beer brands in the US. It's also one of the reasons American beer is as fucked up as it is. Their ad campaigns have been so successful that it's one of the top sellers and it's given big corporate brewers the idea that we like tasteless beer.               

  
       

4: You remember the the Foster's ads right? " Foster's...  Australian for BEEAH" Truth is, it should have been "Foster's... the crap beer we send to America so they'll leave their dirty yank hands off of our VB"  Order a Foster's in any  Australian  pub and it will mark you as a tourist even faster than your accent or Hawaiian shirt and socks-with-sandals outfit ever could

If you want a pale lager, I suggest sticking with the rolling rock

5: Natural Ice is the cheap beer representative on the list. Natty ice is cheap beer, suitable only for people who are trying to get drunk on a budget. A staple of the underage drinker crowd. If you're over 21 and have a job and you actually enjoy this swill, you probably have a mullet

not even college kids drink this crap

So that's the bottom five specific beers. I want you to notice something: all five of the bottom beers (except Sam Adams) rely heavily on ad campaigns that feature mostly naked women...the top five don't. If a beer company has to distract you from the taste of their beer with slick ads featuring jiggling boobage, that should tell you something. ( I like the ads, I just watch them while drinking a better beer)

 Gratuitous boob pic

And about the microbrews. I like the beer, I just don't like the beer SNOBS. and the irritating "clever names" And the beer isn't any better than some of the ones you can get in the supermarket, they're just more expensive. 

And finally there's THIS ...That's right, a comparison of the CALORIE COUNT. Quit being such a fucking nancy. If you're that worried about your girlish figure, go to the fucking gym